Photo by Hannah Ehn Salter, of me.
Listen and spirit speaks
Free wolf woman
Going through these 2017 spring days lately, some of them deeply tired, anxious or stressed, spirit has spoken to me louder than ever before. Literally stops me through all kinds of signs. Perhaps also, because I am learning to listen better. Giving up my need to express for a moment so that I can hear. From within and without, in nature or in heart, through different emotions, thoughts, or intuitions, from trees or clouds or cats or the wind, she is speaking,
ENOUGH (growling wild wolf).
Stop moving against the FLOW.
Or, STOP MOVING at all.
Or RUN FREE, RUN WILD, LET YOUR BODY MOVE.
Whatever I am resisting comes up as a mirror, often immediately as if to give me a direct opportunity to rewrite that action, the script, before I have had time to finish it fully. Before I set it into an unhealthy habitual pattern. It used to be more subtle before and not as obvious, but now I feel so close to her, to him, to her and him in myself, to spirit.
One thing lately is me stressing out over my different identity, or identities.
What versions of myself will I feed next? Feminine, masculine, the nurturing or action taking? Where will I go this fall to study, and what, the arts or the sciences? How, who, the hell AM I, really? Where do my person, persona, baggage begin and where do those of the people around me begin? Isn’t it then, my responsibility to take care of myself first and foremost, as it is for them? Then I choose to let go of the guilt felt when others demand my energy in ways I should not, cannot, and don’t want to give. When I have finished that step I can donate. When I am in balance there is no drainage of energy and spirit can give freely, I can give plenty to both myself and the people around me.
Back to who the heavenly hell I am: The answer is: everything. Soulful spirit is too rich to decide just one city to live in all her life, just one season to enjoy. She says I am meant to walk with all elements, in balance, shifting in phases when time says so. There are five elemental flowers in front of me; one blue water, one red fire, one white air, one fluorescent cosmos and one green earth flower. And I choose to water them one at a time. Sometimes, however… Storms will wash and blow over all simultaneously. The old twigs and leaves and petals are washed away, and regrown. Sometimes a forest fire sweeps by. The ground may shake when mother earth needs a stretch. When needed, cosmic spirit gives life or takes a flower soul back home. Both are a blessing. Both are in right time. Both are rebirth of different kinds.
A sum: relax, nothing’s in control. You are where you need to be. You are meant for all things that serve your heart, your lust, your life.
When it is just me, when I have been alone for a while, it’s like I know inherently what I need, without having to speak about it. Or rather the speaking is the silent and certain doing, dreaming, moving, step by step in line with myself. This doesn’t mean easy but it means true.
When it isn’t, when I put myself out of my heart’s path and am influenced for better or worse by the stressed out me, by people, situations, organisations, and other powers – especially for a longer time – it takes a good while for me to know myself again, as I am, without the noise.
Now has been one of those awakening times again. Reborn again into a new version of myself, I thank the anger within me that reminds me when it is enough. I thank the rumbling mother, growling wolf, hissing snake within that shakes my bones. It is a healthy anger. It is a nurturing anger. It is a life forcing anger, not a death producing one. It is one that says, STOP! LIVE! BREATHE AS FULLY AS YOU DESERVE! DO NOT LIVE WHERE YOUR HEART DOESN’T BREATHE THIS FULLY! AHO AHO AHO