Growing Pains

Growing Pains…

I thought,
‘maybe sometimes
your core has to be shaken
so you know exactly where it is’

‘maybe sometimes
you have to compromise your heart’s truth
so many times you forget how to be you,
so you can know how to be whole again’…

– your whole you

I am 24 yet grey with exhaustion at compromising my being…
People I love most, I’ve had to try my hardest
to distance myself from

because in my times of transformation
when I am as a caterpillar, butterfly-to-be:
what exists in my incubator – that space that is supposed to be safe and sacred –
forms the butterfly that I become…
and therefore, what I allow into this space,
I have learnt the hard way, must be the stuff of gold, must be the stuff of
My heart, my soul, my bones, my marrow, my truth… 

Nonetheless,
so many times before a growth spurt,
I entered the incubator thinking I was safe
and I shed and shed layers, turned naked in the dawn of a new day,
changed and grew…
I found the tiny walls around me have all sorts of coding and letters for my new self,
but none of them mine!
but it was too late to go back then, the new skin had already started to appear, my old clothes were gone and
my instinct to be held, to share my whole self, allowed them in to decorate those fertile walls and ceilings of my growth chamber…

& so me, the child empath, the teenage seeker, the mid 20’s mystic,
Looked up to see all these words, and as my body changed before me,
I adopted them into my mind
Into my journey, into my heart….
(They thought they meant well, but when would adults understand, they did more harm than good entering my progress,
when would they understand, I had what I needed within?)

Newly awake, eyes blinking at the daylight,
I got to a crossroads and there was before my eyes
to the left – Heart and to the right – Mind.
I took the right Mind’s path, and this is where I slowly left my heart,
waking up a person further away from herself
than before this supposed grand metamorphosis began

So here I was… as it were,
the decisions made, weren’t mine anymore
the building grounds and structures that had begun to make up my reality
were drawn by invisible hands, foreign voices,
and as I watched each new day come and each new brick being layed
(by me!)
I found I had forgotten whose house it was…

There was a sense of sorrow
although I’d forgotten what it was I mourned?
Until one Spring day it all cleared and at the door was my true self,
and she was knocking, wondering, when would I be done with all of these lessons that weren’t mine to relearn? When was I going to let her in,
give up the illusions,
and live my life?

Since then, for a good couple of months now,
I have wandered in search for the next road to heart, to home,
straying somewhere between my Right Mind and Left Heart
Looking for tools to pave brand new road with when I reach those places where
the current path ends and only bushland lies ahead
Following this path, I can be myself, my whole self,
my mind and heart can merge,
and I can exist on my terms.

I think it’s gonna take some time,
To find my footing again,
But it could be very soon
that I find a clear view ahead again,
A viewpoint thru the shrubbery
a place where the dust clears, and I will stay there for a while

I will continue to pave my road,
and find familiar footing where there is a path
to release and let go and build anew
a sense of willpower to carry out the work I was meant to
and a safe space for the children of this world
who know.

I have begun this journey home, and even though it may be
unchartered territory,
I have my soul bearings telling me this way is deeply familiar,
this intuitive way
of my heart,

& I Will Not Compromise My Core,
Again
No matter how much love
I have for those who don’t yet understand

I thank you
For everything you gave,
They are many wondrous gifts
And I wouldn’t be here without you

But I’ve got my own functioning legs now;
I am fine walking on my own,
And I don’t need to be carried as I once did
So I send you my love, it is always there
And for now, walk my way
Knowing, one day, we will be able to wander hand in hand,
Not swaying the other out of order

X

 

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